1.) Donald Trump (@realDonaldTrump). “The Donald” has over 2 million followers, and given his iconic status as an entrepreneur and showman, it’s easy to understand why. But trust me when I tell you, Trump Tweets are not always as entertaining as they might sound. Now, I don’t want to offend any Trump fans out there; if you’re a fan of the man, then go ahead and follow away. But just be warned: his output varies from mundane to incendiary to self-aggrandizing to embarrassingly misinformed and back to mundane again. So basically…a perfect representation of the man himself. Well, now I just feel silly.
Sample Tweets: “The real estate market in Vietnam is booming. Growth is everywhere in the world, except for the US.”
“Wind turbine syndrome is affecting tremendous numbers of people in their wake–stop ugly turbines.”
” ‘One of the keys to thinking big is total focus.’ — The Art of the Deal”
2.) Norm MacDonald (@normmacdonald). Although he made his name as a stand-up comic and funnyman on SNL, Norm MacDonald has reinvented himself as enormously uninteresting Twitter celebrity, specializing mostly in sports (golf in particular). Of course, it’s not up to me judge what people do with their own Twitter accounts; if Norm wants to live-Tweet Louis Oosthuizen’s progress on the back nine at the WGC-Bridgestone Invitational, than who am I to object? I just have to admit, when I started following Mr. MacDonald, I had high expectations. I’ve always been a huge fan of his comedy I assumed he would drop a few comic gems now and again on social media. But alas, Norm has taken a more personal route and mostly sticks to banal golf coverage and wildly unfounded sports gambling speculation.
Sample Tweets: “Bet against Rory then. He has no chance. It is unlikely he wins a single tournament.”
“I like Boston in the East, Blues in the West. It’s a great day.”
“Baltimore wins 31-21”
3.) Lil B (@LILBTHEBASEDGOD). For the uninitiated, Lil B (a.k.a. BasedGod) is an insane person who often releases free mixtapes which can be loosely classified as “contemporary hip-hop,” and more specifically classified as “the impenetrable ramblings and bizarre musical stylings of Lil B.” Although he got his start with the Pack, a hip-hop group based out of the Bay Area in San Francisco, he has since gone “solo,” dropping dozens and dozens of mixtapes filled with hours and hours of seemingly improvised non-sensical rap music and featuring mostly terrible production. Because of (or perhaps in spite of) the fact that all of his music is freely accessible on the internet, he has gained an enormous cult following which seems to consist mostly of teen and tween-age girls. He tweets often, and it is always ridiculous. I was initially happy to have discovered such an interesting Twitter celebrity before quickly realizing that following him means having your news feed constantly jammed up with all-caps nonsense and pictures of 15 year-old girls in slutty poses/outfits.
Sample Tweets: “THEY LOOK AT ME AND SEE A BLACK MAN? I FEEL LIKE A WHITE WOMAN – Lil B”
“Its def some good police out there who don’t abuse there power and genuinely want the community safe I, respect to those officers – Lil B”
“PINK FLAME MIXTAPE IN ITS OWN LEAUGE, DAMN BASEDWORLD STUDIOS IS AMAZING LIL B REALLY YOU HAVE CHANGED MUSIC FOREVER F*CK MY B*TCH – Lil B”
4.) RiFF RaFF (@JODYHiGHROLLER). Another outrageous rapper/insane person who, in the style of Lil B, appreciates the value of some good old fashioned all-caps Twitter nonsense. It’s less of a hassle to follow RiFF RaFF because he isn’t constantly re-tweeting pictures of girls, but he’s still a prodigious tweeter by normal standards (he rips off about five per hour on average). Unless you’re really into hyper-modern self-satirizing hip-hop nonsense, I would suggest keeping this man and all of his digital batshit craziness out of your Twitter feed at all costs.
Sample Tweets: “SOMETiME WHEN i CAN’T SLEEP THEN i JUST TALK TO MY JEWELRY UNTiL i COOL DOWN & FADE iNTO AN iCEY DREAM LAND”
“RAP GAME DRiViNG TO SAN FRANCiSCO ON TUESDAY FOR THE FREE PUDDiNG DROP FROM JELLO CHOCOLATE PUDDiNG”
“HAWAiiAN PUNCH WHiLE U SLEEPiN’ #GetYaMindOutDaGutta
5.) ?uestlove (@questlove). ?uestlove is now known internationally as the bandleader of the legendary Roots Crew, and for most people his reputation speaks for itself. There’s no denying the man’s chops when it comes to his music, but I’ve slowly come to realize over the past few months that he is a horrible celebrity to follow on Twitter. It’s not that he doesn’t tweet, or that he tweets too much, or that he tweets nonsense, or even that he tweets boring things. Quite the contrary. ?uestlove is usually very thoughtful and deliberate in his tweets, and it would be dishonest to call the content “boring.” This is perhaps why it took me so long to realize what was wrong with ?uestlove as a Twitter celeb. On the surface, he’s the ideal celebrity to follow on Twitter. Why, then, do his tweets always seem to rub me the wrong way? The answer: he’s a compulsive HumbleBragger. For those who don’t know what a HumbleBrag is, I offer this brief explanation: a HumbleBrag is a brag thinly veiled as an innocuous comment ostensibly meant to indicate modesty or curiosity. Here’s a quick example: “A patient grabbed my bicep today and made some comment about muscles. It was a little awkward.” You get the picture? Ok, now let’s get to some ?uest examples.
Sample Tweets: “I hate that I am a master of rhythm & coordination and I can’t electric slide to save my LIFE.”
“I’ve joked that I’ve been the #SuperBowl cooler for the last 5 teams who’ve hired me/@theroots for after parties. Will SanFran break spell?”
“(Did the @USArmy just tweet me?)”